Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Breaking news:
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.