a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.