Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]