Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Story of my life…..
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
the battle rages on
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know