The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
…..pretty much.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.