Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If a snake ate a cake
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Something Saturday.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Life is a suicide mission.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.