“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod