Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken