The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.