Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Well, this explains it:
(more comics:
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.