(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce