Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
(Musicians.)
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”