you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.