Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Care for your back
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes