MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf