I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
You Might Also Like
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Finally, an explanation.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.