[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Florida be like…