Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!