In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
You Might Also Like
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
scrabbled eggs
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”