“What movie?” 🤔
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur