Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
You Might Also Like
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Need this in my life lol
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Peter Parker Peter Driver
dude it’s called proctologist
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.