Kentucky names the shit out of places
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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?