[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me: my friends:
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
This kid will have a bright future.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said