emergency phone
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops