I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better