When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”