[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough