I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose