Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.