If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”