Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
british sex workers really pound for pound
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes