{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Birds & Planes.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube