ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
This is not me but this is me
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Left at a local drug store…
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old