*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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j o i m p
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My five year plan is a meteorite
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
🤣✨#caturday
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.