I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
You Might Also Like
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.