*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
This will never not be funny to me.
This is the one
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.