The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.