me: my friends:
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*