Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.