‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here