Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m an avid indoorsman.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]