Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.