If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
rapatouille
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.