HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom