My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.