Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.