The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
You Might Also Like
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Tell the colonel to bring it
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway