I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
i will not be silenced
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women