*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.