interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses